Please allow me to introduce myself, I’m a man of wealth and taste. Except for the wealth. And if you ask the right/wrong people, my taste is questionable, but I AM a man, despite what the rest of this blog will try to make you believe.

Rather than make this an origin story, I have chosen to tell you about myself through the most accurate and reliable format, the online character quiz. You may have seen these popping up lately on Facebook, courtesy of www.Zimbio.com. I resisted for a long time, assuming they were just silly and designed to give you the character you WANTED to be given, but when the Star Wars Character Quiz came out, I was powerless to resist. So I dove in headfirst. Now, let me begin by saying with all humility that I am a genius. I don’t have the papers to prove it, but it’s generally accepted by me and my dog, Marvin (depicted above, with art by Taylor Lymbery), so that’s really enough to make it legitimate, I think. If I so chose, I COULD manipulate this test to give me the answer that seems obvious: Han Solo. I’m sure you’d be surprised if I WASN’T classified as that handsome, charismatic scoundrel. BUT, I chose to answer the questions honestly, and it became clear early on that I am not as jaded as Chewbacca’s copilot, so I was prepared to accept my fate as a Luke Skywalker or even, if the prequels MUST be included, Anakin’s buddy Kitster, since my youthful optimism is readily apparent. So I answered question after question, saying I would rush to my friend’s defense in a fight, and resisting the urge to answer with “Quippy one-liners” when asked what I respond with when I need to come up with something to say. I got to the end of the test, and hit “Submit” and waited. My computer seemed to revel in keeping me in suspense. Was it going to give me Jar-Jar?? FINALLY the page loaded and….my results surprised even me. This hadn’t even dawned on me as an OPTION….

Seriously? Amidala? Not only do I get a prequel character, but I get a FEMALE character (not that I have a problem with that!), AND I get the one who couldn’t even be bothered to stay alive for the sake of her kids? This had to be rigged.

It was suggested I take the Myers-Briggs Personality Test, since there is a great Star Wars character chart posted online with each result. So, I took the test, and discovered I am an ENFJ (extraversion, intuition, feeling, judgment). Not TERRIBLY surprising, since that’s what most of our charismatic world leaders are classified as. So, to the chart I went….ENFJ, ENFJ, AH, here it is……huh. Amidala again. Well, there’s that. OH, here’s what it says about ENFJ’s on the chart, though:

The Giver – Warm, Empathetic, and charismatic with excellent people skills. Highly sensitive to the emotions and needs of others, likely to find hidden potential in others and strive to help them fulfill it. Take their obligations to others very seriously. Characterized by their ability to help develop others, and making a lasting difference in people’s lives.

Guilty as charged. I give til it hurts. And my people skills are off the charts, as long as constantly leaving people confused and angry counts.

Still, I wonder how the OTHER character quizzes would treat me. Back to the interwebs! First up, a Star Trek The Original Series quiz. Questions answered HONESTLY, and my result? No, not Kirk. Nope, not Spock. And no, not that loveable grump McCoy. No, I am Uhura. Apparently my feminine side is showing through.

Let’s see if the Star Trek: The Next Generation quiz is more gender-accurate. Questions, questions, questions, and “Submit.” And my result? Guinan. As played by Whoopi Goldberg. Anyone else seeing a pattern here?

A Firefly Character quiz! I’ve always fancied myself a Mal, but I know I’m probably closer to Wash. Well, I wasn’t far off. I AM close to Wash, but that’s because I’m Zoe. Zoe? Is the internet just messing with me, or am I really a strong African-American female trapped in a suburban white guy’s body?

Ok, let’s put this trend to the test with the “Which X-Men Character Are You?” quiz. If I get Storm, we’ll know something’s up. Hmmm. Well, it’s not Storm. No, not Storm. Nope, this one is even less likely. I got Mystique. I’m a naked hottie in blue body paint. Trust me, NOBODY wants that. This description isn’t even accurate! Are you for serious!?!?! At this point, everyone on my Facebook feed is pointing and laughing.

The Big Bang Theory. Again, I’ve always fancied myself a Leonard, but I fear I’m really more of a Wolowitz. Nope. Not even close. Penny. Yep, NOW I’m a hot blonde. This is getting silly now.

As a final grasp for some masculine credibility, I took a Saved By The Bell character quiz. I know, I know, it doesn’t make any sense to me, either, now that I’m typing it. Sigh. Let’s just get this over with. Am I going to be Lisa Turtle? Rich and picky? Will I be Jesse Spano? So excited and so…scared? Or will I be everyone’s childhood crush, Ms. Kelly Kapowski, always bubbly, but with real problems? At this point, I don’t even care, although I DID always have a thing for Jesse. Drumroll, please? Drumroll?

Wow. I’m not sure this is better:

Well. He’s kinda male, right? Sad part is, it’s a pretty accurate description.

So, if this little exercise has taught me anything, it’s that…..actually, I’m not sure it taught me anything. And the worst part is, I don’t think it’s told you much about me, which was the original purpose. Imagine that, a free online pop-culture quiz doesn’t really reveal much.

Oh well, next time I’ll reveal another layer of the onion that is me as I discuss some of my favorite Star Wars toys from my youth. And from my recent adulthood. I may even have some thoughtful comments on the mentality of collectors. If you’re not careful, you just may learn something next month.

Thanks for reading, and thanks to Coffee With Kenobi for allowing me to spread my insanity.

Until we meet again (or Until we meet at all), Marvin says hi,

Jeff

You can email Jeff at jeffm@coffeewithkenobi.com